>None More Black


Ian:     The moment we've all been waiting for...Here we go, plenty for
everybody...here you are.
David: I never thought I'd see...I never thought I'd live to see the day.
Ian: What do you think?
Derek: Is this the test pressing?
Ian: No, this is it, yes, that's right...
David: This is "Smell The Glove" by Spinal Tap....
Ian: That's "Smell The Glove" that's, that's the jacket cover, it's
going out across the country in every store.
David: This is the compromise we made...this is the compromise you made?
Ian: Yes.
Derek: Is it going to say anything here, or here along the spine?
David: It's not going to say anything?
Ian: No, it's not going to say anything.
Nigel: It's going to be like this, all black...
Ian: No, it's going to be that simple, beautiful, classic!
Viv: Does look a little bit like, you know, black leather...
Derek: You can see yourself in... both sides.
David: I feel so bad, I feel so bad about this...
Nigel: It's like a black mirror.
David: Well, I think it looks like death...it looks like mourning. I mean it looks...
Ian: David, David, every, every movie, in every cinema is about death;
death sells!
Nigel: I think he's right, there is something about this, that's that's
so black, it's like; "How much more black could this be?"
and the answer is: "None, none... more black."

Played some more Condemned 2 last night, and after about an hour or so I felt compelled to turn it off and stick it back in the GameFly envelope, to be returned and never seen again. It’s not a bad game, it’s just so relentlessly bleak and dark and there’s only so much I can take. The game’s first few levels are so black that your flashlight barely makes an impression; I felt like I was developing glaucoma.

There’s also that slight but glaring plot hole, which happens to be the same one as in the previous game, namely: you’re a detective, investigating various grotesque homocides, and yet the game’s actual mechanic is about you violently and savagely beating other people to death with your own bare hands (and blunt objects).

I did make it far enough into the game to see what the new CSI business is all about, and it’s much improved over the first game; I’m not a forensics expert, of course, and so I apparently did get a few things wrong, but I appreciate the incorporation of “interpretation” – it’s not just that you’re looking for clues, it’s that you are trying to figure out what they mean. Granted, this really only took up about 5% of my playtime, and often times my investigation was hampered by yet another crazy man beating me with a stick, but still: they heard the problems and they fixed them.

Still, though – I’m not sure I’m that passionate about the franchise anymore. The first game was legitimately creepy (especially the department store level); this game is just morbid, and there’s a distinct difference. Creepiness is enticing; morbidity is just depressing.

Author: Jeremy Voss

Musician, wanna-be writer, suburban husband and father. I'll occasionally tweet from @couchshouts. You can find me on XBL, PSN and Steam as JervoNYC.

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